At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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