How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
