Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
