his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I AM VODKA MAN
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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