broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
