I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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