Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
