good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
