$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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