I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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