how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
