Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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