the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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