Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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