It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
