I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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