My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Less talking, more tequila
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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