he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
