Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
