Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
