Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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