You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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