I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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