And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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