I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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