I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I FOUND THE LEGS
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
