I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
