just come out here and I will go home with you...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
