I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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