96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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