I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
