Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
