I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
