At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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