What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
