just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
