y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
