I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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