You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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