I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
