fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
