This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
