I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
