It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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