Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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