when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A+ Viking dick
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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