He disabled his match.com account in front of me
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
