Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
