I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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