You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
