i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
