I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
