Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
