Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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