Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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